Black Hole

Any regular anotherdayinthesnow browsers will have got to grips with the fact that I haven't found life easy over the past month.

Last week was a true NIGHTMARE at school and despite, reluctantly, withdrawing from an awful of extra-curricular activities it didn't make me feel any better and it all came to a head at the end of the week. Thursday I came home from school and in retrospect, probably shouldn't have gone in on Friday.

Saturday came, I spent the morning in bed and the rest of the day generally feeling miserable and sorry for myself. By Sunday I had completely lost it. I don't really do being alone (which considering I am buying a 1 bedroom flat, is a bit of an issue, but I'm approaching that as a different type of 'alone'!) and certainly don't do 'ill' so I attempted to make myself presentable, and went to the Army on Sunday evening. Being with people is what I needed, but probably another wrong choice.

Sunday night was a pretty rough one. OK, so I hadn't done much to make me tired because I felt so unwell, but I just didn't sleep at all. A pounding headache and ear-ripping-off earache, saw me making tea at 4.30am and sending text messages to collages at 5am to say there was no way I would be at school.

Hints by family and a friend were ignored as other colleagues at work have been ridiculed for bothering the Dr with colds. I was drugged up to the eyeballs and spent another day feeling sorry for myself.

By now, I was in a bit (ok, a lot) of a vicious circle. I don't generally get ill, but I was prompted by a friend to consider whether that was all that was the matter; was it just a cold, or beneath that was there deeper issues. Who knows, there's been an awful lot going on, an awful lot on my shoulders and an awful lot in my head. Bottom line - regardless of what I've tried to solve, I'm ill now.

Monday night brought about another dreadful night's sleep (or lack of!) There were various contributing factors to the following thought, but the overriding thought in my mind during those sleepless hours was: I'm going to die. No really, I am serious. I totally convinced myself that is what was going to happen. My head felt like it was going to explode.

I went into school, but rang the Dr, figuring if I was going to die, I'd like to know the reason. Fortunately, you'll be relieved to know (?!) I only have an ear infection...the painful headaches a symptom. The Dr was very sympathetic, hence the antibiotics and explained that I must be in a lot of pain, er, "YESSSSSS"!!!

I felt a lot better even before the antibiotics entered my system. Just knowing what was wrong with me.....it had become more than not feeling well, I was on the edge of a very large black hole and I had no idea where the end was or how I would get out.

Up to now, I've taken 5 of the 21 tablets. Although the head and ear thing hasn't gone (ok, so I was found asleep in the staffroom today, so maybe I'm not completely on the mend...yet!) I do feel better in myself. I'm feeling a little more positive and even smiled a few times today!

I had a stern talking to by not one, but two members of management at school tonight about my presence at school not being required tomorrow. They think I should get better so that I can make it to the end of term. Although I repeated the phrase I have used a lot these past couple of weeks "It's not that easy", they seem to think life will still carry on without me!

I've been told that a lot recently, prioritise, just say no, take a step back, look after yourself, no one will mind, well, I'm not sure the latter is the case, I feel like I have let an awful lot of people down and am paranoid that the way people look at me is now different, but I guess the bottom line is, a lot of things have come to a head these past few months and my body is saying STOP!!!!

Am I going to school tomorrow?

I don't know. At the moment my headache/earache is telling me 'no', my heart and boredom levels are saying "yes". Can I cope with another day without friendly contact?

Maybe I need to tap into daytime TV and pretend (!), while listening to my body rather than my heart.