What? Me?

People often blog about judgements and how they think they are perceived. This is kind of another one!

I think I come across as a confident kind of person who doesn't really worry about what people think. That doesn't necessarily mean I am, but we all have a 'public persona'. Ultimately we want to be liked, but we never truely know what people think about us.

Today three people were very honest to me. One over the phone, two face to face. Over the phone was my Mum. For the first time ever she is proper missing me. I only left this morning, and she normally misses me but apparently today she is MISSING me!

The other two, face to face. One told me I am a person of integrity. Well, they think I am! I've never been told that before. I've 'googled' it to see what it actually means:

'One is said to have integrity to the extent that everything they do and believe is based on the same core set of values. While those values may change, it is their consistency with each other and with the person's actions that determine their integrity.'

or

'1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.
2. The state of being unimpaired; soundness.
3. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.'

Wow. Not really sure what to say about that....opinionated, but in the nicest, possible sense?! Maybe that's how I look at it!

The second face to face comment (which actually came first!) was someone simply saying, with integrity(!) "...because I care about you", and repeatedly at that!

Again, wow!

Why do we find these kind of comments hard to take? Sorry, why do I find these comments hard to take?

How can I believe that someone really thinks I have integrity - particularly when I have to look it up?! Do I really? How did I 'get' it?!

And even more than that, how do I accept that someone cares for me enough to make it so clear. Cares enough to say, looking in my eye, "Listen, I have to say this........because I care". I can't quite accept that. Get over that. Take that in.

What did I do to make these people feel like this? Think this? Did it just happen? Has it built up over time? How do I maintain those characteristics? If I'm not aware of what I did how will I know?

And will they change their minds? If I am so unaware of how these views were created, how do I make sure they don't change their minds?

How has something so nice (horrible word!) made me feel so scared and insecure???!!!

Practise makes perfect.

I can't exactly remember the context of the conversation Dad was telling me about it, but it had something to do with someone explaining they were a 'practising Christian'. His response to me,

"Humph. Aren't we all....practising, that is?"

A few knowing titters rattled around the car ('cos that's where we were at the time!)

Dad's comment hasn't left me all week.

I feel like I'm practising. Only I don't know what for!

I want to stop hoping, wishing, dreaming, dwelling, regretting.

In school life, home life, spiritual life, church life....

....I want things to be right. Perfect. Run smoothly. I want things to change so they're better. Easier. More glorifying.

Extravagant.

Two Major Events (and one minor one!)

Number 1




Samuel has been dedicated to God:

Number 2

Mum's last treatment is TOMORROW

Minor Number 1

Nic and I really DO look like each other:

ARrrGGgghhhh!!

A Dawnie First

(Obviously not a picture of me!)

No eyebrows were harmed in the uploading of this image.

Life is a journey

Well, after some rather speedy decisions and a lot of praying, my sister, brother in law and nephew are currently travelling down the country to start their new life.

It has all happened rather quickly, it doesn't seem long since Nic mentioned it as an idea, presented it to Mum and Dad, then Alan applied for and got a job, all the while, questioning 'Are we doing the right thing?'!

To imagine Nic, Alan and Samuel, living in such close proximity to Mum and Dad is, well, a little odd to say the least. The same time I moved down here, what seems like many moons ago, Nic and Alan got married and move to Aberdeen. We've both always been away...and that's been fine. But now.....

Jealousy? Maybe a little. Though I'm doing God's stuff here (apparently) there is something inside which makes me think 'What if...??'

Mum and Dad are going to love having Nic and Al around, and Samuel...well, what can I say?!

I just pray God's blessing over them, that just like they settled in Aberdeen, they will settle into Teeside just as well and that Nic will find a spiritual home, soon.

I can't wait to share together at Mum and Dad's next week for Samuel's dedication. I thank God for my amazing family, who despite the miles, are as close today as they ever were.

Guidance

There were occasions over the weekend when phrases, words, bible verses stood out as being particularly relevant to me. House group was another such place. It was as though Brian was reading from my blog, or even responding to it.

My bible readings at home this week have also been helpful in reminding me of the God-Centred life I should be leading.

The reading that struck a particular chord is in Matthew 6:


30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?

What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving.

People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

34"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Just the Guidance I need.

I've started my 'specific prayer' challenge, and boy, what a challenge it is. One day out of five I've managed to do this without too much effort. Though, why is it, that even though God knows us intimately, what we are thinking, we're still embarrassed to pray and ask for the things he already knows we want???!!!

I attribute everything to God.


We have free choice, but as a Christian, praying about the choices I make, the situations I am in and things that happen around me, I rightly (or maybe wrongly) assume that God has his hand on my life and is in these situations.


Even when things go wrong.
Don't go the way that I planned.
The way I want them to.


Even when it hurts and there's no one to tell.
Or they don't understand.
Or can't do anything.


Even when, I cry out to God.
As far away as I could be.
Yet closer than ever.
All at the same time.


But I've had enough. I've had enough of doing this thing they call 'life' this way. Is it that I'm not following God's plan? Even though I pray and have prayed. Hard. Does that mean I am doing God's thing and it's just that I don't like it?


At what stage do I stop praying, Father, I'm in your hands, take me, lead me, show me. Let your will be done....and help me respect, accept and live Your will, and start praying 'Father, give me / I want........' ?


I do think there's a balance between selfishness and selflessness. I want to to have the perfect balance and think that most of the time I am. But at the moment, I feel I'm leaning towards the selfish. It doesn't feel right, I don't like it, but


being the girl who's normally worrying about everyone else and making sure everyone else is ok,
who's known for her smile and 'yeah, fine thanks',
the one who keeps going, is always at the event,
etc, etc, etc.


Appearances can be deceptive and at the moment I just want to cry out, God, give me a break.