It's too late

Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time
There's something wrong here
There can be no denying
One of us is changing
Or maybe we've just stopped trying

It used to be so easy living here with you
You were light and breezy
And I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy
And I feel like a fool

There'll be good times again for me and you
But we just can't stay together
Don't you feel it too
Still I'm glad for what we had
And how I once loved you

But it's too late baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide
And I just can't fake it

Clare Whittle 1980 - 2008

It's almost a year since Clare died. I can honestly say that there is not a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about her. It may have been an item of clothing that she liked or had commented on, a piece of jewellery she bought me, a song, film or TV program that she liked or we'd experience together.

I think of her parents and sister, Sarah, the holiday they were experiencing this time last year with no clues of what their return home would bring and the friends and family who are living each day, getting used to the fact that she's just not their anymore.

I plan to write to her parents, just to let them know that I haven't forgotten Clare, or forgotten them. I need time to think properly about what to write. At the moment, nothing sounds quite 'right'.

I can remember vividly, from the moment we were told about her being in hospital, to the moment it ended. The moments sitting with her parents ring in my ears as they shared with us the precious final moments the day before her funeral.

It's hard to grasp all the events that have happened since then and I thank God that Clare's lives on in the memory of all the people who loved her and who were privilidge to call her their friend.

It's been a while!

Blogging has become a little stale for lots of people so I thought it was about time I took the bull by the horns and made an effort to get back into it.

I've been in my flat for about two months now. I don't feel like I have got into any kind of routine, and it still doesn't feel normal, but I guess it's relatively early days.

The living room will be officially complete tomorrow when, hopefully, the sofa will arrive (and will fit), and the rest will have to take a back seat while my bank account takes a deep breath.

I was challenged by Mr Keith Hall, a while ago, to evaluate my 'Things to do (when I move into my flat)' list, so here goes:

1. Stuff the planned 'tea' menu and randomly go out for dinner. There's no denying that I like a plan, however, when the case has arisen, and it has a couple of times, I have made or accept a request to go out for dinner. Things to do point 1 - tick.
2. Stop apologising. It's hard to say whether this has been achieved, but I guess as there are no expectations to live up to or people to please within the context of my home, it's a "yes".
3. Spend more time with friends. Being lonely is something that worries me, so I have made a concious effort to spend time with friends. My locality now means that I don't have to take into account 'travelling home time' or disturbing a house mate, so staying out is certainly a more frequent occurance.
4. Invite Elyse round for tea. Tick. And she has made a start on the menu for next time!
5. Have my family to stay more. Both Mum & Dad and Nic & Alan have been down.
6. Have my family and Southern family spend time together. Tick.
7. Eat properly. Hmm. Started off well. Working towards.
8. Cultivate the gift of hospitality. This is something that has been significantly missing for the last few years and with a good start, I am definitely working on it. Tick.
9. Be more chilled. Sometimes it would be nice for someone else to make the phone call that needs to be made, so make the complaint, to ask the question, to simply give me a hug. But those things are not going to happen so chilling at times, when you're the only one to get something done, can be quite hard.

Including the list above that I wanted to change, there are other aspects of the move that remind me it was definitely the right thing to do. There are things that I miss. No doubt about that. But a lot of water has gone under the bridge and as time passes I pray that the memories that need to fade will.

I don't find analysing myself easy and it would really be down to other people to say whether 'Dawn' is any different but it's a healing process and with still lots of 'firsts' there's still a long way to go.....but it has got to be a good thing.