Life is a mixture

Mixture. I think that sums up how I'm feeling recently. Some positives. Some negatives.

At this precise moment, it's frustration. About lots of things. I've just got back from house group and although I love it, it often causes me frustration.

We watched a video clip about worship. What it really is. What it really isn't. It frustrates me that we even have to watch it. It frustrates me that I get frustrated by it. I'm frustrated that 'people' don't seem to understand what worship actually is and it's purpose. It frustrates me that people watch worship, sing worship, rather than lose themselves in it, connect with God through it and more than anything, live it.

Tonight, we also read about Jairus, his daughter and the woman who was so desperate for healing, touched Jesus through the crowd. We were challenged to consider times when we have been desperate for healing, or known times of suffering for ourselves and/or our families. People contributed objectively, because for the most part, that's all people felt able to do. We were challenged to consider the question 'why?' and whether this would be a question we would ask at these times, or whether we accept that God has control and 'keep the faith'.

To be fair, they were hard questions to answer objectively. However, on the flip side of that, they were hard to answer subjectively. Fortunately (?) for me, my family are now coming out the other side, yet although I think the suffering's over, the recovery can be just as hard. And when I think of the questions that were posed tonight, and the reasons I couldn't answer, maybe it's still just a little bit too 'fresh'.

Faith is the key. It has to be. I truely believe that God had and has a hand on everything and the inspiriation of my Mum stating 'but why not me' immediately after her diagnosis makes me feel guilty that at times I questioned why.....and still do....despite my faith. Maybe that's just my humanness.

'Fear sometimes may fill me. On and on I hear rumours of war. Fear will not defeat me. Not anymore, I'm giving it all to you, Lord.

You alone will lead me. I've got nothing to fear 'cos You're there. You alone will keep me. I shall not want, I'm giving it all to you, Lord.

You are the light. No matter what's gonna be, You're the same, You're eternity. There's no reason for me to carry the load, I'm giving it all to you Lord.'

I sing this song with so much passion and affirmation that it hurts. I don't understand why certain things happen. I don't understand why so many people just don't get it.....and the only way I know how to cope with that (or be frustrated with that) is to give it all to You, Lord.