It's going all right!

Having anticipated my moving out weekend for such a long time, I couldn't actually believe it when it dawned.

'Team Dawn' were on hand to keep me focused on the task. They were amazing. In every way. The process of packing the cars was very quick and within no time at all, we were ready to take the trip to Keith's parents, to unload it all! I drove away from Chelmsford, in the car on my own, glad that I could just try and take it all in and take a few (well, a lot of!) deep breaths.

It was good to spend the rest of the weekend with Mum and Dad, but at the same time, gave me that 'weekend-away' feeling, rather than one of having just moved out. Sunday evening was tough. The realisation that I wouldn't be going 'home' hit, quite early on. Despite all that had built up over the preceding weeks, I was beginning to miss all that 'home' represented and anticipate not going through the usual Sunday evening routine, which, although was difficult, had become 'normal'.

I had also placed an expectation on myself, based on comments from others during the day, that I should be fine - this was the moment I was waiting for, it was here, it was going to be all right. Only, it didn't feel like it. I was reassured that this expectation was wrong and it didn't matter what other people expected....I don't switch off my feelings that quickly. That made me sad! I wanted everything to suddenly be OK. I wanted to feel the burden lifted. I wanted to be able to smile....genuinely. But I actually felt worse than ever.

I knew deep down that it wasn't really over. I had to get used to living in someone else's house. I had to go back to the house on Thursday to clean, then again on Friday for the house inspection. Somewhere in all of that, normal working/army life also had to continue.

Returning to the house on Friday was odd. It was the day my parking permit ran out too (note to self, remove it from car). We waited while the house was inspected and assured the inspector that every change/modification had been done by the landlord - she needs to check before we get our deposit back! Driving away from Chelmsford for that absolute last time was weird. There is now no reason to go back. That's sad. I have spent the last three years there, yet it now holds nothing for me.

I am now at my parent's house and the realisation that I really am 'homeless' is pretty distant. I have two weeks away from the stress, strain and burden that the South has become. Tomorrow, I travel to the Lake District to spend a few days with my sister and her family, in a caravan. I am really looking forward to the isolation that will be thrust upon me....yet am also a bit scared, life having been so intense, for so long. I need to relax. I need to close my mind from the things around me and rediscover who 'Dawn' actually is. Having turned into a stressy, unreasonable, emotional and moany kind of girl, the real Dawn Watson needs to re-emerge, ready to face a 'new normal' (hate that phrase with a passion!)

I'm looking forward to her coming back and wait with eagerness to see who she actually is. I question how far back I need to revert to find her...6 months to before this?...3 years, to before Chelmsford?....6 years to before Dagenham?...10 years, to before.....???

I don't know. I am hoping my nearest and dearest have seen glimpses of the 'real Dawn' in amongst those times, and they already know who she is....they they can tell me when she's back!